The Love Bank
Posted on 13. Jan, 2009 by Deb in Observations
When it comes to relationships, there are times when I am reminded that, like it or not, there is a love bank. No one talks about them, or even admits that they exist. But they are there…usually silent and in the background. it’s in every relationship we are in. The relationships with our spouses or lovers, our friends, our family members…
Each bank gets an opening balance of generous proportions. A person is in our lives whether by chance or choice, and their account opens. Silently. Efficiently. With a large balance if you are of a generous and trusting spirit and of kind heart. Deposits are made on a daily basis. Rarely do we notice the deposits because they are a part of living with those that we love. It’s those smiles over coffee and the unexpected phone calls to report something as inane as the happenings of our day. Each day a person is a part of our lives, deposits are made because we continue to like them there in our lives. There was a connection of some sort that began the relationship and opened the bank.
We still don’t notice that the bank exists as it grows.
In the case of most people in our lives, the balance never falls below the limit. Sure, we grow apart from friends as our interests change – or the thing that connected us, like a job or a class, no longer exist. That is different ’cause the relationship was not about love, but like, and the bank account was never high enough to keep on the first page of our portfolio.
But like all bank accounts, withdrawals can be made as well. When an account is high, we don’t notice little withdrawals. Little things like using the last of the milk or never taking out the trash. Continued physical distance, like in the cases of long distance relationships, causes little tiny withdrawals, too. Bigger things, such as hateful words cause slightly larger withdrawals. But all of them are still small enough to not be very noticeable in the whole big scheme of our portfolio. Sometimes, withdrawals are huge and cannot help but be noticed. Things such as infidelity in a marriage can make withdrawals so large that it can’t help but be noticed. In most cases, friends and lovers stay in our lives. We don’t walk away from our family members.
When you are of generous heart and loving spirit, withdrawals are forgiven. Deposits are made back as time passes. Even huge withdrawals are forgiven if you are the kind of person whose heart is wide open.
But in some cases, the people that we care about the most continue to make withdrawals without enough making deposits. The little things that didn’t matter in the past begin matter because the account balance is so small.
Then, one day, the account gets so dangerously close to zero that you realize that the bank really exists.
In some relationships, such as a marriage, it’s when you go to a retreat or seek counseling. In the case of a friend, you may decide the drama is too much to continue to deal with – or you may go on a girlfriends weekend to seek repair. In the case of a lover, you may seek a romantic getaway – or decide to take a break in hopes that time – and your heart missing that person will add enough deposits in the account to risk opening your heart to them again.
There are extenuating circumstances in every relationship which are factors in what happens if the account falls below zero. Sometimes, we cut our losses end a relationships, in hopes of salvaging a relationship with that person later. Sometimes, the intervention allows hearts to open up enough that little things that made tiny deposits in the past are so appreciated ( now that we know the bank exists) the deposit doubles.
And sometimes, we are in limbo, hoping that deposits are made and hope that the withdrawals are reduced. This can be a heartbreaking and contact with the account holder becomes mentally and emotionally exhausting. We cherish the relationships we have that have a high balance though we may not always show our appreciation as withdrawal from everyone seems to be the safest way to survive this limbo. Because living in limbo sucks. We pray for the account that has such a low balance. And we also pray that we don’t make too many withdrawals from the accounts we hold with others while surviving limbo.